The rooms:

Make With the Funny
La Musica Rock
Trip to Pacific Northwest
Catherine's 21st
 Embassy row
 the fumes they lay low
 On lanes that are wide
 where the limousines glide
 On the wrought-iron gates
 and the bone china plates
 And don’t forget your manners
 where the anthems play


Catch Dubs
Catherine's Pita
Dave Barry
Large Hearted Boy
The Modern Age
The New Topography
Subliminal Inevitable

BBC Radio 1
Acid Casualties
CMJ Music Marathon
All Tomorrow's Parties
Green Plastic
Gig Posters
Sub Pop
Polyvinyl Record Co.
Sealed Fate Records
Vice Records

the State
The Onion
Mr. Show






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Thursday, July 31, 2003

Lebowski Fest (via Thugbot)

posted by Matt at 11:02 AM


This is even worse than that guy who got pregnant with the fetus of his dead brother. Much worse.

posted by Matt at 10:50 AM


Wednesday, July 30, 2003

A member of a focus group had this to say about the movie Gigli starring Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. (via The Onion)

posted by Matt at 11:28 AM


Until I get some stories and pictures from my sister's 21st birthday party, I don't really have much to post. Although you can be assured those stories and pictures will be worth the wait, even if I have to make up the stories and photoshop the pictures. Which is more than likely. Anyway, the last week or so can be summed up as follows: bees nest on my deck, she-male rudely forced me off my stool at a bar, and my body has re-adjusted to superior eastern time zone. Just imagine what I would have written for each of those post topics.

So how about I just discuss my day at work so far? It began with my usual hour or so of instant messaging. As was no surprise to either of us, my conversation with Jackie was mostly about different phrases for taking a shit. I offered up a couple of the standard phrases associated with this bodily function, "Dropping off the kids at the pool" and "Making a little chocolate soft serve". Jackie responded with a nice twist on the pool phrase, "Bill Cosby dropping off the Cosby kids at the pool". It's funny because it's racist.

I knew I was missing a number of good ones, so I did a little research. I was able to find a couple of excellent resources for this topic, The Canonical List of Terms for Taking a Crap and In an effort to class up the site, here are my favorites:

  • Conducting Air Strikes Over Porcelainastan
  • Fast Freight to Fudge City
  • Percolating Butt Coffee
  • Visit from Mr. Shittz McCrappen
  • Committing yourself to the dumpatorium
  • Making a Minnesota hand warmer (I don't get this people in Minnesota hold shit in their hands?)

posted by Matt at 10:33 AM


Monday, July 21, 2003

Pacific Northwest 2k3: A Retrospective

The Travellers:

Most Memorable Moment: What better way to start off a trip than embarassing myself in front of women in a whole new time zone. It was literally the very first night of our trip, and I was fortunate enough to be talking to two ladies about the lovely city of Portland. At some point later in the night, one of the girls actually asked for my number. Now girls don't usually ask for my number at bars, so you could imagine why I might be a little suspicious. Sure she was 31, and her name was 'Asia', but she was moderately attractive (read: no missing limbs or gross scars/birth marks) and she had a vagina for godssake! So perhaps it was the inordinate amount of whiskey in my blood, or just the usual self esteem issues, but rather than taking this as a sign that poontang might be in my near future, I decided to ask this particular girl if she was 'screwing with me'. And even though she repeatedly assured me that was not the case, I felt the need to ask the same question a couple more times just to make sure. And then a few more times for good luck. Chicks dig confidence.

Yet she called me the next morning. I still think it was all part of some elaborate prank.

Most Memorable Moment: Frank's trip was apparently uneventful, because his most memorable moment was when a drug dealer in Vancouver called him a douche bag. Or did he just offer him a dime bag? We're still not sure.

Most Memorable Moment: Paul's most memorable moment was coincidentally Frank's and mine as well. Screw that shit I mentioned above. While attempting to cross the Canadian border, a customs agent informed Paul that there was a large amount of cocaine on his driver's license. Apparently, Paul had used his license to cut lines of coke a year or so ago, and had understandably forgotten to do a routine 'license wash' prior to the trip. Luckily, the two agents who searched the car were not able to find any drugs. Which is a tad concerning since we were carrying at least two different illegal narcotics.

By the way, the agent pulled me aside as well, but just to tell me that after checking my license he found 'Apple Jack crumbs and semen'. Apple Jack crumbs?!?!

posted by Matt at 9:03 PM


Friday, July 11, 2003

Bubb Rubb is one funny motherfucker.

So is the guy who created the Bubb
Rubb Soundboard

Finally, there is a pretty decent chance I'm gonna come back from this trip dead. If so, who will keep the house alive?

posted by Matt at 11:11 AM


Thursday, July 10, 2003

Here's a short clip of the aformentioned Will Ferrell Speech.

Or if you have a lot of time, watch the entire commencement (fast forward to the hour and a half mark for the Will Ferrell speech).

posted by Matt at 1:35 PM


Will Ferrell's Harvard Commencement Speech:

"I'm not one of you. Okay? I can't relate to who you are and what you've been through. I graduated from the University of Life. All right? I received a degree from the School of Hard Knocks. And our colors were black and blue, baby. I had office hours with the Dean of Bloody Noses. All right? I borrowed my class notes from Professor Knuckle Sandwich and his Teaching Assistant, Ms. Fat Lip Thon Nyun. That's the kind of school I went to for real, okay?"

And there's no point in talking about Harvard Commencement Speeches if I don't provide a link to the greatest one of all, thanks to Mr. Conan O'Brien:

"I'd like to thank the Class Marshals for inviting me here today. The last time I was invited to Harvard it cost me $110,000, so you'll forgive me if I'm a bit suspicious. I'd like to announce up front that I have one goal this afternoon: to be half as funny as tomorrow's Commencement Speaker, Moral Philosopher and Economist, Amartya Sen. Must get more laughs than seminal wage/price theoretician."

posted by Matt at 9:10 AM


Wednesday, July 09, 2003

Starting this Friday, the house will be on hiatus for awhile as we journey to the beautiful Pacific Northwest ... or as I like to call it, 'Where the Goonies was filmed'.

"Yeah, but this one, this one right here, this was my wish, my dream, and it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back."

      - Mouth

Now I know we will be sorely missed, but everyone can take comfort in the fact that, upon our return, I will immediately send out a mass email containing every minute detail of our trip. I mean, who doesn't love a mass email?!? There's just something special about an impersonal, longwinded, self-absorbed dissertation on one's life experiences, sent to everyone you know, most of whom don't give a fuck.

Topics for this email will include, but will not be limited to:

  • Number of women banged
  • Number of men banged
  • Number of hippies murdered
  • Number of miles travelled
  • Number of kids banged

Actually, screw the email, I'll just guesstimate the answers right now, respectively: zero, three, four (including one guy right after we banged him), no one cares, and it depends on what you consider a 'kid'.

posted by Matt at 9:45 AM


Tuesday, July 08, 2003

All of you House readers can suck it for not commenting on the "certain individual" pictured with a croquet mallet up his ass. I happen to know that he sacrificed life and limb, not to mention any pride he may have once possessed, to make that picture happen.

posted by Frank at 10:59 AM


Sunday, July 06, 2003

It's a party Marge. These pics actually kinda remind me of the song "I Want to Part-ay" by the Crash Test Dummies. I love that song.

Notice that there's always one kid in every group that has to give the finger whenever his picture is taken. And the picture of the hamburger is significant because, in addition to it's deliciousness, I stole it right from the hostess after she painstakingly finished it exactly to her liking. In hindsight, I feel kinda bad about that. But if given the opportunity, I'd probably do it again.

posted by Matt at 5:47 PM


Wednesday, July 02, 2003

Booze Cruise with David Cross. Who's in?

posted by Matt at 4:15 PM


The Shins -
So Says I.mp3



Bluesier, Noisier, Screechier, Louder and all for the Better.

.... La Musica Rock

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