That's my brother Gabe feeding some wild turkeys that found their way to our home last week. What a handsome devil. Shortly after this picture was taken, he screamed 'FREE TURKEY!' and lunged at the largest turkey with a hammer. Except for the large bruise on the turkey's ass where Gabe kicked it, that's gonna be one hell of a thanksgiving meal.
In unrelated news, I received an early Christmas gift of sorts today. I got the gift of unemployment. That's right folks, come next Monday my ass is grass. Pretty crappy gift for the holidays right? Tell me about it. No seriously, tell me about it.
I know what you are all thinking, 'What about the website Matt?!?!'. Well Frank...oops, I mean 'readers'...if anything, this is good news for the site since I will have much more time to devote to it. However, I will somehow have to raise the five dollars a month it costs to keep the site going. Any ideas for how I could raise that money? Keep in mind, public nudity is not a problem, and I'm not gay, but I can learn.
Or perhaps, it will be easier to raise five dollars to shut down the site? Either way, someone send me five dollars.
I attended a taping of the Conan O'Brien show last Friday, where I received, in addition to the wonderful memories, a cue card from the opening monologue. Notice the two signatures? The first is obviously Jimmy Vivino, lead guitarist for the Max Weinberg 7. The second signature is Jimmy Vivino's attempt, at my request, to sign Max Weinberg's name in his absence. What a good sport.
Friday night was not all fun and laughs, however. First, after waiting online for two hours to get prime seats (front row baby!) we were informed that the musical act for the night was Matchbox 20. I think my exact words after learning this were 'Ahhhh shit'. And as if that was not a big enough slap in the face, about ten minutes before entering the studio we were rudely pushed aside by about 15 or so Matchbox 20 fans who were being escorted into the studio first! Or at least I assume they were fans because they were wearing Matchbox 20 t-shirts. I argued that we should be let in first since we were waiting longer, but apparently my Goo-Goo Dolls t-shirt wasn't cool enough for them.
Tuesday, November 19, 2002 It was recently brought to my attention that my younger brother also has a personal website. Apparently, being a super lame dorkwad runs in the family. So this brother (let's just call him Gabe V...no wait, too obvious...I'll refer to him as G. Valentino) is actually, as it turns out, just a crude, potty-mouthed, borderline psychotic version of Jerry Seinfeld. I give to you...Gabe's Thoughts:
"You know, old people stink, they're useless...full of knowledge huh?, yea full of knowledge no one uses anymore...full of crap if you ask me..."
"Did you ever see the commercial with the kid that is jumpin up and down on chocolate syrup containers and squirts it all over the carpet and furniture, in the end, the mom just stands there thinking "wow what a rascal"...that commercial isnt real at all, in real life, the father would show up on screen and start beating the living crap out of the kid."
"Have you realized that almost everything gives you cancer nowadays...uh oh, watch out, the toilet is giving out rays of cancer again."
And my personal favorite:
"You ever notice that on guy in the "last supper" painting that looks really dissapointed?, what do you think he was thinking about?..."Dang, this partay blows, i mean he is the son of God and all, you would think he would know some ladies, what a friggin sausage fest."
Honestly...I haven't given much thought to that guy from the "Last Supper" painting...but who's to say he wasn't thinking that?
"OK. Now we're getting dizzy. March '03 will mark the release of the 2nd album from former Pavement visionary Stephen Malkmus. This time around, the contributions of Joanna Bolme (bass) and John Moen (drums) are formally noted in a hey-check-it-out way, in that this is not being touted by us as a "solo" album because it isn't. SM & Jicks are very much a band and we don't mean in "band" in the way Rudy Sarzo got the Whitesnake job because he looked ok getting his hair blown around in a video. If you've seen the Jicks over the past 2 years you already know what we're talking about. If not, the forthcoming 'Pig Lib' CD/LP might make you rethink SM's past and present musical oeuvre if not your feelings about guitar playing (and how they were formed). This is brave stuff. Just because Stephen makes it look and sound easy doesn't mean it is easy (and no, that doesn't mean we're inviting you to try it yourself).
We'll have more news about this album, Jicks touring and other things very soon. Keep in mind that the Jicks are curating the September 2003 edition of All Tomorrow's Parties at beautiful Asbury Park, NJ."
Notice, he is called a 'visionary'. Yeah that's right bitch. Of course, this piece of news was released by his own record label...but I'm sure they are unbiased. Also, I changed the mp3 in the "Listen to this" section to a Pavement tune, for those who are interested. For those of you who aren't, go fuck yourself. Seriously.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002 Next Friday I'll be attending a taping of the Conan O'brien show. Unfortunately, I haven't actually seen the show in like three months because I can't stay up that late, and I don't have cable so I can't see it on Comedy Central. However, this site has some good shit to tide me over until then. I find the 'Celebrity Secrets' particularly amusing:
David Bowie: "I was on tour in the United States back in '89 and we did a show in Cincinnati. During that show I shouted out, 'It's great to be in Cincinnati!' That was a lie."
George Takei (Captain Sulu): "In the first season, the transporter that beamed people on and off the Enterprise was just a shower, and instead of visiting other worlds we would just fly near them, shower, and then leave."
Mr. T: "I remember one time I tried to pity this fool. He told me his name was Jeff. He was married. He pulled out his wallet and showed me three pictures of his kids; Kelly, Robert, Brittany. Real cute kids. Don't get too close man. It's hard to pity a fool if you get too close."
John Ritter: "Apparently there's this new scandal about how you can see my scrotum hanging out of my blue boxer shorts for a split second on episode 161 of Three's Company. Someone asked me if maybe I did that on purpose. You bet I did."
So as I go from room to room in my new house (which is not very difficult or time consuming since there are only two rooms) I find new things that I would like to change in my place ala This Old House. One of the first and most significant things that I have changed was the shower head. And when I tell you that I have changed the shower head, I don't mean that I took one little thing off and just screwed another 29 cent piece of plastic in. I went all out! Now as I scrub parts of my body that I never knew existed, I am feeling a deep clean that only certain Buddhist monks can attain after years of solemn meditation.
So to those of you with crappy shower heads - I feel for you. You and your dirty, dirty bodies. No wonder your nifkin's smell so bad. Your pitiful shower head is unable to sufficiently irrigate your nether regions.
"Now here's the lowdown. Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers."
"Not from the footage I've seen."
- Newman and Jerry, in "The Shower Head"
Friday, November 08, 2002 So I'm on the path train this morning, doing my usual (trying to act cool and oblivious while simultaneously checking out all the cute girls), when a mom and her two kids get onto the train and stand right next to me. Mom is clearly a hip, stylin' New York City mother, and she's got a boy and a girl, ages 5 and 6 approximately. Even before the doors close, she begins grilling her kids with math questions, apparently continuing from where they left off before they got on the train. "What's 141 plus 9 minus 5?" "If a football team has 11 players, and two teams are playing, how many players are there?" "What's 6 times 2?"
Although cute at first, a feeling of awkwardness takes over the immediate vicinity of the train, as Mom isn't reacting well to wrong answers. It becomes pretty clear that mom is kind of a bitch, especially considering the age of her children and the difficulty of the questions. Seeing that her kids are losing interest quick, and getting a bit restless as well, she decides to change her approach. "Maybe it would be easier if we count some things on the train?". Kids respond with a mumbled 'OK, I guess'. Mom points over to a group of people in the corner, and says "Since you are shorter and can't see their heads with all these people on the train...how many knees can you see over there?" The little boy thinks for a bit and then says "Eight!". "OK, then without looking, how many people would that be?", says Mom. "Four!", the boy quickly responds. Seeing a chance to display my quick wit and humor, I turn to Mom and say "But what if one of the people over there has three legs? How many people would there be then?". Mom proceeds to give me the dirtiest look I've gotten from a mother since my own mom caught me selling a porno to my younger brother. In a stern voice she says, "Don't confuse my children."
Monday, November 04, 2002 Perhaps you've noticed two new additions to the website? First, my good friend Cara has started her own weblog, Baconstrips, which has been added to the very exclusive list of links on the left. The title of her site comes from her well known obsession with pork products. For Cara, breakfast, lunch and dinner are comprised of various parts of a pig (she prefers the loin). At restaurants, she will hide slices of ham and pineapple chunks in her pants, in order to make 'Hawaiian Baked Ham' in case no pork products are offered on the menu. Actually, I made that all up.
Second, I've added a counter to the site, as a daily reminder to myself that I should really keep my thoughts and experiences unpublished, because no one actually gives two shits. Last I checked, it was up to seven...and only four of those are mine! Minus my mom...that means two non-relatives visited the site today! Boo-ya!
Friday, November 01, 2002 Well to the person who publishes this BLOG, I couldn't be more pleased with the enhancements to the website. I am sure that the staff writers for The Onion will be snatching you up at any moment, especially when you get this fancy "Photoshop" stuff together. But my feeling is, (and since I am a user of the internet I am therefore an authority on these matters) I think that you should start to focus on gaining readership to this small publication of yours. After all, what is the point of all this wit if it is just cast before a few swine (i.e. the three current readers, myself shamefully included)? I think we can all see that the pictures have been a great enhancement, but you need to take them a step further to attract people. Two words: Porno. Start getting naked pictures of friends and family up there and as the site progresses and you get more and more hits you can start spending money on getting really high class porno to grace the hallowed halls of your blog. Plus you will have a lot of good stuff to whack-off to.
After a slight re-design of the site (darker colors for weblog = weblog that can kick your ass), I'm thinking the next big change should be adding more images using photoshop. Although I don't want to take credit for the picture above (being that I didn't actually create it), I do want my three readers to get an idea of what hilarious images I hope to create in the future (once I actually purchase Photoshop).
You see...with Photoshop, I can do things like:
Put the head of one person onto the body of another person, producing hilarious results!
Place a person from one picture, over the background of another picture, resulting in a situation that just doesn't make sense!
Outrageous! Chances are, however, that I will just take an existing image and slap on a bubble dialog box with the word 'poop' somewhere in the text. The comedic effect is the same, but the effort and creativity required are so significantly less.