Friday, May 30, 2003 I know that this a little early, but since I have very little to look forward to in my life currently, I am trying to make all upcoming events as fruitful as possible. So this year I have decided (much like Matt had last fall) that I am going to have the bestest Halloween costume in the whole wide world this year – and I know where I am getting my ideas from.
I am actually so excited about this that I think someone should throw a costume party and then invite me to it so I don’t have to wait for October. I could use some help deciding though, I am caught between Carmen Purr-randa and the Barbie of Borg costumes.
I’m going to have to beat the ladies off with a stick!!!
Thursday, May 29, 2003 How to Make Elton John Songs More Tolerable
Just for starters, this doesn't work with "Crocodile Rock" - undoubtedly the worst piece of shit ever played on the airwaves of Mother Earth. Then again, it doesn't work with any song but "Tiny Dancer." Now that I think about, its not all that funny anymore - but next time you here that song, insert the line "Hold me closer Tony Danza" when the refrain begins.
So, when looking for the perfect Tony Danza picture, I come across his album The House I Live In. This real audio link will take you to a song entitled "That's All" - but it's not the Phil Collins tune. I think even Danza knew the suck factor would have been too exponentially overwhelming for modern man to grasp. That would have blew my mind though, and then my mind would have came in your face.
Thursday, May 22, 2003 Getting Matt Started on Finding Mrs. Matt nee Chan
Well, you cannot believe everything you hear about asian women, especially from your Hotmail junk folder (purveyors of online diplomas, zoo sex, and the johnson stretcher). But as for right now, apparently F4 is the rage overseas. Soon to be marketed to the US of A as the "Chinese N'SYNC," they are the focus of many an asian female teen (female, right Matt?). Maybe Matt can get started on this look - but I don't think that he is pouty enough.
Wednesday, May 21, 2003 A wise, curly haired, irish kid once said, "The House Of Thrill is not a democracy, it's a Mattocracy." Truer words were never spoken.
In that vein, I have removed all posts except my own from the last three days. Why?
Firstly, this site exists for one purpose, and one purpose only ... to feed my ego. Without this site, and the occasional good hair day, my ego would starve like some smelly, fly-ridden cambodian baby. Seriously though, my ego is more battered than the chicken fingers at bennigan's! Ba-dum-pa! So if your post is not in some way complimentary to me, then why are you posting at all?
Nextly, I have no tolerence for bickering in the house. The house is built on a solid foundation of love. My love ... for hot asian women. Now, asian women use the internet, right? And this site is on the internet. So basically, if your post does not help me score with asian women, I'm removing it.
Lastly, did anyone even notice the post from Monday about my brother's bachelor party? Last I checked there were zero comments. I divided that number by the number of days since I left that post, took into account the length of the average workday, and factored in the amount of time people spend on their computers at home, and realized that means not one fucking person left a comment. I don't want to see one more post on this site until someone leaves a comment about how great my brother is, how great that party was, or the address of a really cute japanese girl.
Monday, May 19, 2003 Unfortunately, I greased up my fists for nothing, as no orifices of any kind were violated at my brother's bachelor party this past weekend. Suffice it to say, I was disappointed. And will someone please remind me to prepare a toast in advance for the next toast worthy occasion? It turned out to be a lot harder than I expected to give an impromptu toast. Then again, maybe it was just because everyone was yelling "Sit Down!" and "You Suck!" while pointing and laughing.
Other than that, and getting rejected from Hogs and Heifers, that was the greatest bachelor party ever. Despite my concerns, my father's presence actually added an unexpected dynamic to the bachelor party experience. Rather than feeling inhibited by his stern glares, I would say most people were actually quite hibited. Personally, I find that I do some of my best drunken work when I have someone I can embarrass by my immaturity; perhaps others felt the same way.
I think my favorite memory was our fairly accurate reenactment of Rosa Park's historic struggle against racism. I played the part of 'whitey', while everyone else did their own unique portrayal of Rosa. Some Rosa's were quiet, yet defiant. Other Rosa's were loud, vulgar, and sometimes physically violent. A couple people decided to do a loose interpretation of that historic day, by portraying a Rosa Park that freely and happily moves to the back of the bus.
Pictures will be up towards the end of the week ... since I am cheap and do not own a digital camera.
Well, now that the summer is creeping up and the PNC Bank Arts Center gets ready to fire its neverending spray of diarrheal soundwaves late into the muggy night of central Jersey, on enters the Journey-Styx-REO Speedwagon North American tour. Unfortunately, Steve Perry is not joining the tour and will not get to jubilantly don this gay apparel.
If you are going to this show - please log off of the House immediately and shove a hardwire brush up your ass. Although the rockfest is sure to be the equivalent of nice frothy golden shower, reviews from www.journeymusic.com attest quite to the contrary. Chrissy from Stockton CA almost wet herself:
In 1978, i heard a song called "Wheel in the Sky" that forever changed how I felt about music. I was 14. 25 years later, a dozen or so concerts, every album of every variation of members, I see the concert of a lifetime in San Francisco. It has been a week, now, and I still have not came down off the mountain-top!! Seeing Aynsley Dunbar drum on my song, Wheel, was insane!! I never saw him with Journey-only with jefferson starship in 1980. What a gift for this gal! Steve A. has made this band his own. I have now seen this lineup more times than the old one (with you know who)and am convinced! Hearing him sing the old songs, that I never thought we'd hear again- unbelievable.And ending with Sammy, in his Cabo Wabo shirt- who's idea was that?? You deserve a medal!! That place exploded!!
But Bernd, a fan who came all the way from Germany, thought otherwise:
We expected the BEST of Journey, but we got only 60-70 % of it.
Thursday, May 15, 2003 Last night was the last episode of Dawson's Creek. Ever. I have just two words to say about that ... 'Fuckin' and 'A'.
But seriously, I can't make fun of the WB because I do watch the occasional episode of Smallville. It's about Superman for god's sake, so shut the fuck up. And have you seen this Kristen Kreuk girl, the one who plays Lana Lang?! Can I get a what what? (Can I get a woop woop?) If only you could see me now ... I'm slightly wetting my index finger with my tongue ... now I'm touching my ass with the very same finger ... and now I'm making the sound 'tsssss'. It's just not the same in typed words, I clearly need a webcam. Hey everyone, now I'm massaging my left nipple! Okay, no webcam.
But if you like pictures, come back on Monday for pics of the bachelor party.
"This may be the best show we've ever done ... in clay."
"The purpose of Air Guitar World Championships is to promote world peace. According to the ideology of air guitar playing all war would cease to exist and all bad things would disappear if everyone only played air guitar. That is why all people in the world are invited to play air guitar simultaneously at the end of every competition."
Wednesday, May 07, 2003 I'm sure everyone remembers my post from February about the upcoming bachelor party in honor of my brother Joseph. And you probably also remember the comments regarding the inevitable 'fisting' which will occur at this event. Well how about this equation for disaster....'My Dad' plus 'fisting' equals what? I'm no good at math, but I'm pretty sure the answer is ... another brother?
That's right people, my dad, aka "Mr. V", aka "The Spanish Inquisitor", aka "Croc Hunter", has expressed, in no uncertain terms, a desire to join us during the bachelor party festivities. After picking my jaw up off the floor, I was able to compose myself enough to explain to him that many events during the course of this evening are not really suitable for a 56 year old super catholic. That pretty much had the opposite effect I was looking for, as he has now officially taken on the role of 'guardian' for the night. Then, drunk with rage (and some peach schnapps) I turned to my dad and said 'Well you're not invited!'. That didn't seem to phase him either, and now I don't think he loves me anymore.
Tuesday, May 06, 2003 Who wants to make a road trip on Saturday?
Some of Tim "Wild Thang" Lepard's more memorable quotes:
"The thing about rodeo, it's just like anything else, if it's hot, somebody else is going to get on it," Lepard said. "When I put this act together, I thought 'You can't touch this.' I mean, I know what I've been through to train a monkey to ride a dog and if I can train a monkey to ride a dog, I can train a rock to do tricks."
"I experienced that one-dog and one-monkey deal and I started going along and whenever I came up with two dogs and two monkeys, I said 'This is unreal,' " Lepard said. "I never dreamed of three."