Embassy row
the fumes they lay low
On lanes that are wide
where the limousines glide
On the wrought-iron gates
and the bone china plates
And don’t forget your manners
where the anthems play
Oddly enough, my life has been less eventful since returning to work in Manhattan. And less eventful than my normal life is pretty fucking uneventful. The highlight of my week so far was finding Fig Newtons in the snack machine. Of all the things that occurred during this week, that is the event that was the most exciting.
So I'm starting to think perhaps a weblog is not the most appropriate medium to record my thoughts and experiences. Perhaps I should consider writing down my thoughts and experiences on highly flammable 'gasoline paper', which I will then subsequently shred and burn. Or Maybe I should write them down on regular paper...but using Invisible Ink. In any case...what's important is that the words are never actually read by anyone. Luckily...no one actually visits this weblog, so I'm in the clear. Damn, this fig newton is fucking delicious.
Friday, October 25, 2002 I called in sick today, which is why I had plenty of time (in between my numerous naps and cups of hot chocolate) to find this little gem from some fellow weblogs on the internet. I'd post more, but I'm sick remember?
Wednesday, October 23, 2002 So after a month of slumming it in 'Scumerville', NJ, I'm back in Manhattan for what is hopefully a long stint on 'the bench'. That is where us consultant folk sit around and wait to be chosen for a new assignment. It's kinda like death row, only with a snack machine that's been rigged to give out free candy.
I must say I'm happy to be back, despite the fact that I arrived this morning to find that my cube had been filled with boxes and busted keyboards, and was also now occuppied by one 'Reggie the Roach'. I named him 'Reggie' because, like the baseball legend Reggie Jackson, he has six legs, two antenna, and is one ugly son of a bitch. Not to mention that I now sit by the freight elevator, where I have already gotten my daily dosage of spanish music and Bette Midler's greatest hits.
!Que Lastima!
Thursday, October 17, 2002 Two items of interest today:
1) I ate lunch with, among other people, a guy wearing a cape. I swear to God.
b) Addendum to Tuesday's story about my brother and the DirectTV guy: My brother was holding a knife at the time this encounter occurred. A knife. And not one of your usual old kitchen knives. He was holding a balls to the wall $70 chef knife, which I believe he was sharpening just minutes before the DirectTV guy showed up. I thought it was strange that the DirectTV guy RAN AWAY during the argument.
And so, in an effort to keep this site as accurate as possible, here is the revised process of events:
DirectTV Guy: I'm here to install directTV.
My Brother (with big ass knife in hand): Where the fuck have you been? I've been waiting here for 7 hours for you to show up! Why didn't you fucking call?!
DirectTV Guy: Do you want me to install it or what?
My Brother (still holding big ass knife in hand): Yeah, you better fucking install it! I just want to know why you didn't call!
DirectTV Guy: Hey man, if you don't show me respect I'm not gonna install it.
My Brother (waving knife in a pointy, stabby motion): Fuck you man, you made me wait inside all day, respect my ass.
DirectTV Guy, in an effort to save his own life, and possibly the life of his children and extended family, wisely runs away.
Tuesday, October 15, 2002 Soooo...the installation of DirectTV did not go as well as I had planned. There was a little incident. Here's how it all went down:
(None of the following vulgarities were added for effect, this is my actual dictation of my brother's account of the story)
DirectTV Guy: I'm here to install directTV.
My Brother: Where the fuck have you been? I've been waiting here for 7 hours for you to show up! Why didn't you fucking call?!
DirectTV Guy: Do you want me to install it or what?
My Brother: Yeah, you better fucking install it! I just want to know why you didn't call!
DirectTV Guy: Hey man, if you don't show me respect I'm not gonna install it.
My Brother: Fuck you man, you made me wait inside all day, respect my ass.
At this point, the DirectTV guy proceeds to RUN away, get in his car, and drive off. Long story short, the cable guy should be at the apartment between 11-2 tomorrow.
Monday, October 14, 2002 It’s Columbus Day, I’m Italian, yet somehow, I’m stuck at work. Pasta Fazul! It’s enough to make Chris Columbus toss and turn in his watery grave (he died at sea right?).
That’s OK though, I’m not bitter…because on this wonderful holiday during which people celebrate the rich culture and history of Italy, I’m going to celebrate in style…by getting Direct TV installed in my apartment! That’s right bitch, 80 channels of mind-numbing bliss. Of course, all this really means is I’ll be watching a lot of scrambled porn instead of scrambled ‘WB’. But hey, it’s an improvement.
I think I’m actually most excited about the possibility of watching dating shows 24 hours a day. ‘Elimidate’, ‘Shipmates’, ‘Blind Date’, ‘Dating Story’…these shows provide the total entertainment package that most sitcoms lack. Humor, suspense, romance, and most of all, skanky ho’s who will do anything to impress their friends on TV! And I mean anything! Today is a good day my friends.
Wednesday, October 09, 2002 Are you ready to party? Then get ready, you jerk. That's right, our funny pal Frank is moving out of Brooklyn yo, and movin' on up to the east side. Well...not that far up.
To celebrate, he's throwing what's sure to be the mother of all parties. Or at least the second cousin, once removed, of all parties. Regardless... it all happens on October 26th, in Brooklyn, at la Casa del Frank. Pants are optional.
Thursday, October 03, 2002 When you're right Frank, you are right. Just get a load of these quotes:
"In this video, the excitement of seeing Weird Al in concert is captured forever." (FOREVER!)
"...Weird Al and his band are among the most versatile musicians in the world, and it's only because of their chosen idiom that they don't get the respect they deserve." (So true)
"Plus, the audience was about 50% young boys." (NICE!)
Wednesday, October 02, 2002 And so, as the leaves begin to turn and temperatures begin to drop, my thoughts turn to dreamy days of fall...more specifically, Halloween. For the past three years I have boasted of my unique costume idea, the costume that would surely bring me attention from all the ladies at the halloween party...yes, you got it, an Ivory Dealer. What better way to wooo the girls than dressed in white from head to toe, adorned with Ivory jewelry, and topped off with an Indiana Jones'ish hat. You despise him for killing elephants to turn their tusks into piano keys (the white ones of course), yet you can't help being charmed by his wit and dangerous demeanor. Then somehow, each year, costume in hand (or in back seat of car, as it were), I end up at each Halloween event costumeless!!! Perhaps it is the fear that, at my advanced age, I will be the only one in costume, drawing ridicule rather than the accolades I so desire. This year is no different...once again my thoughts are consumed by October 31st, my resolve is stronger than ever...I WILL be an Ivory Dealer.
Or maybe I'll just wear jeans and a sweater. Either way.
